Snow+Hearts=Snarts:the bad ones.

If there are two things in this world that need professional counseling, it’s snow and Valentines Day. So, you can imagine my disgust when they were both magnified ten and a half times and conveniently placed on the same day. Valentine’s Day. The day that Lehi High School almost had a Snow Day. We never have Snow Days.
In the first place, Single’s Awareness Day shouldn’t even exist, let alone in high school. It should be banned until you’re old, decrepit, and married. Somewhere around thirty-two. Now, It’s not that I hate people—I do, but it isn’t the primary reason for my Valentines distaste—I just happen to be more alert and observant than others. Not to brag or anything, but I’m world-wide renowned for my labeling skills. Okay, just my friends and some old lady two blocks down from my house, but, still.
There are at least five things wrong with Valentines Day. First: It promotes stupidity in that little children are brain-washed into believing hearts actually look like two bug tumors glued together. They could look like something entirely different, but we won’t go there. Second: pink is ugly. Who honestly wears pink, except for the occasional “plastic little spastic”, in the infinite words of Amanda Bynes. Third: It attacks the weak and miserable, the lonely and depressed, making them more weak and more miserable, and aware of their loneliness. Of course, this lovely day doesn’t barrage the depression, because then teens would realize they are depressed and that they don’t have to be, and then there would be no purpose for high school. Fourth: Pink is still ugly, stop wearing it. Fifth: High schoolers know nothing of love, and therefore should be banned from celebrating it.
Snow also has its undesirables as well. It’s cold, wet, and manages to get everywhere, and I mean everywhere. My cousin from Hawaii/New York/Heber once asked me what I meant by this. I told her to think of snow as a high school jock. She gave me a befuddled look, so I continued.
“Think of snow as a high school jock’s mind, or hands, whichever you prefer.”
She nodded her approval.

Fairy Tale

My name is Winnafred Isabella Terra Christine Hernandez. However, under unfortunate circumstances of mental inadequacy, I have come to be known by my lovely neighbors as “The Witch”.
I had always wanted a child, so, naturally, when those petty thieves were stealing my precious rampien, (renowned at the state fair for their lusciousness and exuberant red coating) I leaped at the opportunity to swindle them out of their fast approaching child. A baby for a few rampien—not a bad deal, if you ask me.
I was unable to have children of my own, seeing as I was unmarried and have moral standards, but, as I said, I still wanted a child to care for, to bathe, to feed and love. Preferably a boy, but beggars can’t be choosers.
I have always tried to be a good mother to Rapunzel: Keeping her safe, locked away in a beautiful Grecian tower in the middle of an enchanted forest; I read her bedtime stories, talked to her a lot in order to make her grow; I fed her occasionally; I read all the books on parenting, and learned a lot through The “O” magazine, and I gave her all the talks Oprah told me to; I even refused to cut her hair when she wanted me to, just because she wanted it (the fact that all barbers are homocidals in the making probably influenced this a bit, along with the fact that they never have a any coupons!).After all is said and done, I was the ideal parent. What more could any one ask for?
A man.
Not just any man, but an acclaimed “prince”! Hah! He was probably a nerd with the screen name "Gallantprince_lv-41.cyberspaceforfreakystalkers.com" who was a little too acquainted with his twinkies.
Well, needless to say that the little perv had been stalking my precious child, and had managed to break our fool-proof code and climbed into her window! That’s not the least of it! My darling skank forgot she had hormones, and everything else I had taught her these past fourteen years, and—ohh! I may have gotten a little carried away.
Any way, the repulsive prince left her with child and ran off! I didn’t know what to do, so I thought to myself, “WWOD?” I may not have had enough money to hold a discriminating, all-white-men-are-pigs-and-the-women-too talk show, or supply some random orphans with photos of myself, but I was a rather good lecturer.
Rapunzel rolled her eyes as teenagers will as I conveyed to her the immature stage of her brain, and that it just couldn’t handle alcohol or children-bearing until the age of twenty-one. I must have gone too far, because she muttered something under her breath and began to pick up a knife.
Well, luckily for her, I had read all the books on teen suicide, and what to do in cases like this.
I screamed and launched myself bodily in her direction. She also screamed, and took a step backward. I caught the knife by the handle and wrenched it away from her seriously confused hands. Curse her flamboyant locks and Garnier’s great body-supplying supplements. Rapunzel’s blasted hair got in my way!
She was all a blubber, crying so much I was sure her tear ducts would burst! It was obviously that time of the month. I felt bad for her, and began to do a reparation spell to, well, repair her hair. Now, I’m not the best Wicca in the world, but surely a hair replacement spell couldn’t be muffed up so badly! I must’ve mixed up chutsup with ketchup. That always happens. Any way, the result was a repulsion spell. Psfeeewwwwwww. There goes Rapunzel. I think I hit a home run.
Just as Rapunzel was gracing the clouds with her rear, her lovely prince appeared.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down y”
“Yeah, yeah,” I replied, tossing her cut hair down.
I was pondering what to say to him, how we could resolve our differences and all that jazz, when a bothersome butterfly flew into my mouth. I coughed and sputtered for a while, and then I realized that I had let go of the hair. Peering down over the edge, I watched as the prince ran off, wailing like a little girl, “Ahh, my eyes, somebody help me.”
Pansy. With nothing better to do, I trudged back to my garden to water my rampien, which I now know are supposed to be green…