Snow+Hearts=Snarts:the bad ones.

If there are two things in this world that need professional counseling, it’s snow and Valentines Day. So, you can imagine my disgust when they were both magnified ten and a half times and conveniently placed on the same day. Valentine’s Day. The day that Lehi High School almost had a Snow Day. We never have Snow Days.
In the first place, Single’s Awareness Day shouldn’t even exist, let alone in high school. It should be banned until you’re old, decrepit, and married. Somewhere around thirty-two. Now, It’s not that I hate people—I do, but it isn’t the primary reason for my Valentines distaste—I just happen to be more alert and observant than others. Not to brag or anything, but I’m world-wide renowned for my labeling skills. Okay, just my friends and some old lady two blocks down from my house, but, still.
There are at least five things wrong with Valentines Day. First: It promotes stupidity in that little children are brain-washed into believing hearts actually look like two bug tumors glued together. They could look like something entirely different, but we won’t go there. Second: pink is ugly. Who honestly wears pink, except for the occasional “plastic little spastic”, in the infinite words of Amanda Bynes. Third: It attacks the weak and miserable, the lonely and depressed, making them more weak and more miserable, and aware of their loneliness. Of course, this lovely day doesn’t barrage the depression, because then teens would realize they are depressed and that they don’t have to be, and then there would be no purpose for high school. Fourth: Pink is still ugly, stop wearing it. Fifth: High schoolers know nothing of love, and therefore should be banned from celebrating it.
Snow also has its undesirables as well. It’s cold, wet, and manages to get everywhere, and I mean everywhere. My cousin from Hawaii/New York/Heber once asked me what I meant by this. I told her to think of snow as a high school jock. She gave me a befuddled look, so I continued.
“Think of snow as a high school jock’s mind, or hands, whichever you prefer.”
She nodded her approval.