Fairy Tale

My name is Winnafred Isabella Terra Christine Hernandez. However, under unfortunate circumstances of mental inadequacy, I have come to be known by my lovely neighbors as “The Witch”.
I had always wanted a child, so, naturally, when those petty thieves were stealing my precious rampien, (renowned at the state fair for their lusciousness and exuberant red coating) I leaped at the opportunity to swindle them out of their fast approaching child. A baby for a few rampien—not a bad deal, if you ask me.
I was unable to have children of my own, seeing as I was unmarried and have moral standards, but, as I said, I still wanted a child to care for, to bathe, to feed and love. Preferably a boy, but beggars can’t be choosers.
I have always tried to be a good mother to Rapunzel: Keeping her safe, locked away in a beautiful Grecian tower in the middle of an enchanted forest; I read her bedtime stories, talked to her a lot in order to make her grow; I fed her occasionally; I read all the books on parenting, and learned a lot through The “O” magazine, and I gave her all the talks Oprah told me to; I even refused to cut her hair when she wanted me to, just because she wanted it (the fact that all barbers are homocidals in the making probably influenced this a bit, along with the fact that they never have a any coupons!).After all is said and done, I was the ideal parent. What more could any one ask for?
A man.
Not just any man, but an acclaimed “prince”! Hah! He was probably a nerd with the screen name "Gallantprince_lv-41.cyberspaceforfreakystalkers.com" who was a little too acquainted with his twinkies.
Well, needless to say that the little perv had been stalking my precious child, and had managed to break our fool-proof code and climbed into her window! That’s not the least of it! My darling skank forgot she had hormones, and everything else I had taught her these past fourteen years, and—ohh! I may have gotten a little carried away.
Any way, the repulsive prince left her with child and ran off! I didn’t know what to do, so I thought to myself, “WWOD?” I may not have had enough money to hold a discriminating, all-white-men-are-pigs-and-the-women-too talk show, or supply some random orphans with photos of myself, but I was a rather good lecturer.
Rapunzel rolled her eyes as teenagers will as I conveyed to her the immature stage of her brain, and that it just couldn’t handle alcohol or children-bearing until the age of twenty-one. I must have gone too far, because she muttered something under her breath and began to pick up a knife.
Well, luckily for her, I had read all the books on teen suicide, and what to do in cases like this.
I screamed and launched myself bodily in her direction. She also screamed, and took a step backward. I caught the knife by the handle and wrenched it away from her seriously confused hands. Curse her flamboyant locks and Garnier’s great body-supplying supplements. Rapunzel’s blasted hair got in my way!
She was all a blubber, crying so much I was sure her tear ducts would burst! It was obviously that time of the month. I felt bad for her, and began to do a reparation spell to, well, repair her hair. Now, I’m not the best Wicca in the world, but surely a hair replacement spell couldn’t be muffed up so badly! I must’ve mixed up chutsup with ketchup. That always happens. Any way, the result was a repulsion spell. Psfeeewwwwwww. There goes Rapunzel. I think I hit a home run.
Just as Rapunzel was gracing the clouds with her rear, her lovely prince appeared.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down y”
“Yeah, yeah,” I replied, tossing her cut hair down.
I was pondering what to say to him, how we could resolve our differences and all that jazz, when a bothersome butterfly flew into my mouth. I coughed and sputtered for a while, and then I realized that I had let go of the hair. Peering down over the edge, I watched as the prince ran off, wailing like a little girl, “Ahh, my eyes, somebody help me.”
Pansy. With nothing better to do, I trudged back to my garden to water my rampien, which I now know are supposed to be green…